2004-12-05, 07:43 PM — the entry that never was
I had something really witty and interesting to write here tonight. I'm trying my best to remember what it was. I even walked out of fishy's apartment and thought, I have to write that down for bp, because I'm going to forget it...
And promptly forgot.
It was a genuinely intelligent comment on something. It had nothing to do with school, the wedding, the Sims 2, Inuyasha, my pets, or my state of mind.
It may or may not have had anything to do with science, television, society, economics, politics, PlayStation, cream cheese, family, friends, or chewing gum.
Actually, it almost certainly had nothing to do with chewing gum. I just made that up for slightly humourous effect, because chewing gum is sitting on my desk and it seemed appropriate to add to that list.
Seriously, though, this is so irritating. I've been thinking for a while that I need to clean up my blogging act and start posting good stuff again (if I ever did, let's not go there) and this seemed like the perfect way to begin. And now, of course, you're stuck reading an entry about what may or may not have been my best entry ever, but now will never happen at all.
2004-12-03, 09:52 AM — happy thought
I'll just say, I think I'm the luckiest girl alive. Even when things get hard and exhausting, when I'm cranky or sad... fishy still loves me and that makes things so, so much better.
2004-12-01, 08:45 AM — i don't want to do it any more
I don't know what happened to this term. It was supposed to go so well... I had big plans for it. And now it's mostly fallen/falling apart. I just don't get why I can't have one freaking good term of school. One term where school doesn't feel like a horrible chore, where I wouldn't rather burn myself repeatedly with Tim Hortons' tea than be at class. And I wouldn't rather stare blankly at a wall than work on any of the projects for the class.
I don't think school is supposed to be like that, particularly not university education. But I look back on the four and a half years I've spent in university, and I honestly don't think there was a single term that I really loved school. There were points in each of those terms, certainly. Some terms were better than others, even. But always, always by the last month of the term, I hate myself and the world around me.
And don't get me wrong, I don't think school should be a giant picnic. I know it's not supposed to be easy or fun all the time. I just want to know why it's a giant struggle for me all of the time. Not because I can't do it, but because I don't, and don't want to. And not wanting something shouldn't be a reason not to do it, but... well, lately, that is what I've been fighting with. The constant not-wanting and the constant stress of knowing I have to. I feel like I'm in a permanent tempertantrum, except that it's silent and hopeless.