2004-12-03, 09:52 AM — happy thought
I'll just say, I think I'm the luckiest girl alive. Even when things get hard and exhausting, when I'm cranky or sad... fishy still loves me and that makes things so, so much better.
2004-12-01, 08:45 AM — i don't want to do it any more
I don't know what happened to this term. It was supposed to go so well... I had big plans for it. And now it's mostly fallen/falling apart. I just don't get why I can't have one freaking good term of school. One term where school doesn't feel like a horrible chore, where I wouldn't rather burn myself repeatedly with Tim Hortons' tea than be at class. And I wouldn't rather stare blankly at a wall than work on any of the projects for the class.
I don't think school is supposed to be like that, particularly not university education. But I look back on the four and a half years I've spent in university, and I honestly don't think there was a single term that I really loved school. There were points in each of those terms, certainly. Some terms were better than others, even. But always, always by the last month of the term, I hate myself and the world around me.
And don't get me wrong, I don't think school should be a giant picnic. I know it's not supposed to be easy or fun all the time. I just want to know why it's a giant struggle for me all of the time. Not because I can't do it, but because I don't, and don't want to. And not wanting something shouldn't be a reason not to do it, but... well, lately, that is what I've been fighting with. The constant not-wanting and the constant stress of knowing I have to. I feel like I'm in a permanent tempertantrum, except that it's silent and hopeless.
2004-11-23, 08:11 PM — fuzzy happy moose
I now have a certificate that officially says that I am smart. Like, above 80% smart. YES! Validation!
I'm hanging out at the amazingly lovely Leslie's house for the night, and heading into school early in the morning to start testing lichens. That's right, folks, my thesis is officially underway. It's a good feeling. A very good feeling. If I can just hang on to the good feeling for two more weeks, I'm in the clear.
I'm also wearing new flannel pjs which have MOOSE and BUNNIES on them. I rock. I'm totally in a good fuzzy place this evening. It might actually be the pj pants and I'm seriously considering wearing them to school tomorrow. I'm just going to be in the lab... in the dark, even. So maybe the pjs aren't a good idea, because I might fall asleep and have dreams about the fluorometer's octopus-like fiberoptics cables turning into a real octopus and sucking my brain out...