2004-12-01, 08:45 AM — i don't want to do it any more
I don't know what happened to this term. It was supposed to go so well... I had big plans for it. And now it's mostly fallen/falling apart. I just don't get why I can't have one freaking good term of school. One term where school doesn't feel like a horrible chore, where I wouldn't rather burn myself repeatedly with Tim Hortons' tea than be at class. And I wouldn't rather stare blankly at a wall than work on any of the projects for the class.
I don't think school is supposed to be like that, particularly not university education. But I look back on the four and a half years I've spent in university, and I honestly don't think there was a single term that I really loved school. There were points in each of those terms, certainly. Some terms were better than others, even. But always, always by the last month of the term, I hate myself and the world around me.
And don't get me wrong, I don't think school should be a giant picnic. I know it's not supposed to be easy or fun all the time. I just want to know why it's a giant struggle for me all of the time. Not because I can't do it, but because I don't, and don't want to. And not wanting something shouldn't be a reason not to do it, but... well, lately, that is what I've been fighting with. The constant not-wanting and the constant stress of knowing I have to. I feel like I'm in a permanent tempertantrum, except that it's silent and hopeless.
2004-11-23, 08:11 PM — fuzzy happy moose
I now have a certificate that officially says that I am smart. Like, above 80% smart. YES! Validation!
I'm hanging out at the amazingly lovely Leslie's house for the night, and heading into school early in the morning to start testing lichens. That's right, folks, my thesis is officially underway. It's a good feeling. A very good feeling. If I can just hang on to the good feeling for two more weeks, I'm in the clear.
I'm also wearing new flannel pjs which have MOOSE and BUNNIES on them. I rock. I'm totally in a good fuzzy place this evening. It might actually be the pj pants and I'm seriously considering wearing them to school tomorrow. I'm just going to be in the lab... in the dark, even. So maybe the pjs aren't a good idea, because I might fall asleep and have dreams about the fluorometer's octopus-like fiberoptics cables turning into a real octopus and sucking my brain out...
2004-11-18, 09:51 AM — there goes the bride
Here are some things about weddings:
There are a few traditions I really like. There are a lot more that I frankly find a little creepy.
It's hard to separate what I want from what I think others expect me to want. I think this is less of a wedding thing and more of a me thing, but it's getting irritating.
It's a little hard to decide what's going to be offensive to others, and what of those offensive things I need to work around and what of those offensive things they need to ignore.
Eloping sounds like a great option except that it kind of defeats a large part of the purpose -- that it's about celebrating with family and friends.
Planning a wedding is exciting, but it is also a little nerve-wracking for those of us who didn't have our Barbies get married. No, my Barbies lived in sin. I never thought about what dress I wanted to wear, although I will admit to cutting brides out of bridal magazines and playing with them like paper dolls. Well, and doing other things with them when I got older.
Interestingly enough, dresses haven't changed that much over the years. They have gone up in price, though.
Am I complaining too much? Probably. I do think this is going to be fun and really wonderful. I'm just a wee bit overwhelmed. I have no idea how to do any of this.